Front Porch Stories: ‘Come quick and bring a Hammer!’

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By Kathy Bohannon, Front Porch Stories

When we were raising our kids in Moreland, we had cats. One of those cats was so bossy the other animals gave him a wide berth.

Bossy cat Booger (for some reason let the kids name our pets) was missing. We looked all over the house, calling his inappropriate name. We shouted “Booggggeeeerrr” all over the yard. This was no time for embarrassment. There would be plenty of that to go around later.

We didn’t find Booger that day or the next.

It would be the third day that I heard his meow. To be honest, it wasn’t “his” meow, the one that had a snarl and murderous lilt to it; it was a meek and humble, somewhat desperate meow. I was the only one home at the time and I rushed to the front door. There crouched Booger.

Booger had found a huge pickle jar in the woods and stuck his oversized cathead in it. He, being the bossy murderous cat that he was, somehow later managed to break the jar, fill his lungs with air, and carry the remains of that vessel on his neck back to the house. The result was a collar of sorts, as there was about three-fourths of the glass still intact. There were deadly pointy shards of glass sticking out all around his face. Without a doubt, he was a weapon of mass destruction. I called the vet. They said to bring him in. No way could I put that hot mess in the car. The veterinarian offered a solution. This bossy cat that had now become a threat to human and animal existence had to be “handled” and I had to do it.

I needed an accomplice.

I called my brother in law. “Come quick, and bring a hammer!” For some reason he didn’t question me, dropped what he was doing and showed up just moments later, hammer in hand. “What happened?” he asked. “That,” I replied, pointing to the cat who crouched before us, glaring above his deadly glass-shard-helmet-collar armament.

As instructed by the vet, I threw a towel over the cat and his chance weapon. Randy took a deep breath. Tap tap tap… he gently tapped the hammer against the glass collar that was underneath the towel, the towel that was the only defense between our being shredded with glass and /or claws.

The cat stirred under the towel. Well, in all truth, “stirred” is mild. I had to pin Booger down with my arms and chest and hope that Randy made a direct hit. Randy tapped the hammer just once more, and made full contact with the glass collar.

The jar shattered and the cat took off at lightening speed with the towel flying behind him in superhero style. Booger found a tree and raced up, perched himself high on a branch and glared at us, clearly suffering only humiliation.

As we picked up the fragments, I glanced over at the open door and saw our dog and two other cats peering through the screen. They’d witnessed it all, and I’m pretty sure I saw them smiling.

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Kathy Bohannon is a Christian humorist and inspirational speaker. She is also a writer and blogs at SixLittleAcres.wordpress.com. She is an avid paper crafter and enjoys sewing and needle arts. Kathy shares her love of crafting on Facebook and on YouTube at Kathy Bohannon Creatively Blessed. She and her husband John live in west Newnan with their three pups and no cats. You can reach Kathy via email: [email protected].

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